Recently, while we were waiting for lunch to be served at a nearby restaurant, my husband Michael and I were discussing our son’s next science fair project. Michael was outlining the steps my son would take to complete homework. As Michael went through this elaborate process, I tried diligently to follow what he was saying, but sat there without having a clue. As I struggled to better understand what he was talking about, my normally personable husband began to show various signs of irritation. His unspoken message was “what’s wrong with you, why don’t you understand me?” He then proceeded to draw his plan on a napkin in an effort to get his brilliant idea into my thick head. It worked. When Michael started showing me what he was describing, I could easily understand his ideas.

People often have problems when they communicate with each other. The communication process is very complex and there are many opportunities for breakdowns. As a result, people can become frustrated, instructions are not carried out correctly, people become offended, and conflicts can arise. You can minimize these problems and increase the chances that others will understand you by following these simple steps:

• Take responsibility for communication: When we communicate with others, it is very tempting to blame them for not understanding us. Surely we, with our exceptional public speaking skills, cannot be blamed. The problem with this attitude is that it does not achieve our result of getting the other person to understand what we are trying to say. When we take responsibility for conveying a message to others, we free ourselves to do whatever it takes to achieve that result.
• Check Non-Verbal Feedback: When talking to someone, don’t assume that you are expressing yourself clearly to the other person. Check non-verbal feedback. People give us many clues as to whether they understand us or not. Do they look confused? Are they unusually calm? When asked if they have any questions, do they answer with a hesitant no? These are all subtle signs that the person is unsure of what they just said. Keep communicating until you see signs that your message has arrived.
• Be flexible: When you communicate with others, the one with the most flexibility wins. If you talk to someone and you can tell by non-verbal cues that they have no idea what you are talking about, change the way you are communicating. That’s what my husband did. When he realized that he did not understand her words, he began to draw pictures. Keep changing your communication style until you find one that works for that particular person.
• Recognize that people understand information in different ways – people don’t understand things in the same way. Some people understand things better when they see them, others when they hear them, and others when they see or feel something about them. Several years ago, a life insurance salesperson came to meet with Tammi, one of my employees, to discuss insurance needs. He began to describe different insurance options and as he did so, Tammi’s eyes began to glaze over. I realized that I had no idea what the seller was saying. (Obviously, he wasn’t very good with non-verbal cues.) I told her that Tammi understands things better when they are written. He replied that he would write things down later in his presentation. (I guess flexibility wasn’t her strong point either.) When she finally started writing things down, it was as if a lightbulb had been lit in Tammi’s brain. His eyes cleared, he shook his head up and down at a key point, and it was obvious from his non-verbal comments that he was beginning to understand the salesperson presentation. Use non-verbal cues to determine if the person understands you. Otherwise, try to show him what you want to say or get him emotionally involved in what you are saying.
• Don’t Make People Wrong: When we communicate with others, we will most likely have to change strategies along the way. Don’t make people wrong because their communication style is different from yours (no, what’s wrong with your attitude). If you do, you will not only have to deal with communication problems, but also conflict and negative feelings. Instead, recognize that the uniqueness of each person adds color to the mosaic of life, and do whatever it takes to get your message across.

While communication problems cannot be completely eliminated, following these steps can minimize misunderstandings, reduce frustrations, and achieve better results. As for Michael, he has learned to draw pictures for me when we speak and now I understand him very well.