You met your prince charming … so you thought. He was perfect, and you loved the way he was devoted to his son and how diligent he was in taking care of his responsibilities. He was loving and flexible with his ex-wife, and you were convinced that life would be perfect. So, you got married. His bubble soon burst, and the ex-wife and son seemed to be the most important thing in everyday life. You and your children seemed to be an after. Ahh … the reconstituted family life. No one fully understands the implications of such a family until they place you in one.

I’ll be honest, I never thought my reconstituted family’s life would be as difficult as it has been, but I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have been through some of the most miserable times of my life, all for God to lift me up and place me on a firm and lasting foundation. My reconstituted family life was part of God’s plan, and I know he has a plan for you!

For those of you struggling with “second wife syndrome,” take heart. Have a cup of coffee and let me tell you a bit about my story, give you some signs that you are in trouble, and hopefully give you a place of hope. I stand firm in God’s word to tell you that no matter what the situation is in your marriage, there is hope and restoration available for every marriage and for every reconstituted family.

First of all, have you ever considered the family dynamic in which Jesus was placed? Since he was born of the Father, his earthly father, Joseph, was actually his stepfather. So to grow up with siblings who probably saw Jesus as the “favorite” child … can you imagine the amount of sibling rivalry in that house? We tend to feel inadequate because of our “adoptive family” status, when in reality Jesus, the Savior of the world, was part of one. Rest assured that God can take the greatest and most desperate situations and turn them into a masterpiece.

Here are five signs that you have given “second wife syndrome” a place in your home:

1. You feel “second”. While this may seem confusing to some, those who find themselves in this situation understand exactly what it is to be “second”. It is the ex-wife and the son always first, the continual sacrifices and the continual feelings of injustice felt by the new wife and son. I married a wonderful and godly man, and although everything in our relationship was healthy and happy, this area of ​​feeling “second” made me extremely miserable in my marriage. The life of the reconstituted family is very different and significantly more complex than that of traditional families and many second wives feel … “second.”

2. She is easily offended: She may have been a happy and confident woman, but since she married a man with an ex-wife and a child, she feels inadequate, insecure, and every little thing offends her, especially the ones that revolve around the child / or ex-wife. I remember crying many nights while washing the dishes, all for small cases that offended me.

3. You compare yourself to the ex-wife: I can’t tell you how much this marriage can negatively affect your self-esteem and your ability to be successful in your adoptive family. This dominated my life for the first year and a half of my new marriage. I had thoughts like: “she was the first choice, slimmer, has a child with him, has his money and has his memories” … the list could go on and on. I struggled with this severely in my marriage, finally conquering it head-on and winning.

4. You feel the need to “win.” You want control … over your home, your finances, your husband, your decisions, and the ex-wife, there are too many to list here! It is very easy for second wives to get into the habit of wanting control. In the life of a reconstituted family, there are too many variables and you cannot control the outcome of other people’s decisions. As a second wife, I had to learn this, and it took a while! I was miserable because I wanted the ex-wife to make the right decision, I wanted the boy to do the right thing, I wanted my husband to tell them to do the right thing, and I wanted everyone to see my point of view. I realized that my unhappiness had nothing to do with my reconstituted family members, it was 100% to do with me and my need for control. It was unjustified, unhealthy, and it was making my reconstituted family suffer.

5. Have you thought “I want to go out”: I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep, thinking that I wanted to go out. I wanted my stable, happy and predictable life back. I felt wronged, I felt that I had been lied to, and I felt that I had been tricked into doing this reconstituted family! It was a disaster, and it was ruining my marriage and my reconstituted family. If you have thought this, go ahead! I am here to testify that through Jesus, my marriage, my reconstituted family, EVERYTHING in my life was transformed.

I suffered severely from all of the above signs and truly believed that my marriage was hopeless. My marriage was once on the brink of divorce; now he is full of passion, love and hope.

If you identify with these signs, consider counseling, therapy, or seeing a marriage counselor in prayer. Proverbs 14: 1 tells us that “every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands.”

Starting a stepmother and / or second wife is often the most complicated and difficult role to play in a reconstituted family, but it is also the role that has the greatest potential for change and success in the reconstituted family.