Successful grief leads to healing, hope, and a sense of well-being. For grief to succeed, it needs to be approached deliberately, because grief is not just something you feel; the complaint is a process, an effort, and it is work.

Let’s look at some definitions to clarify what we mean. First of all, there are different definitions of a complaint. Some say it is an emotional response to the loss of a loved one. It has been called “holding on emotionally to someone who is physically gone.” It is also a trauma caused by death and loss, and causes emotional, mental and physical shock. It assaults our entire being, including the wounds of the soul. Grief is the process by which the grievance is dealt with, restoring health and balance. If you don’t acknowledge the wrong, you can’t cry. Grief is the time frame in which the grieving process occurs. There are no set parameters, although there are guidelines.

What is the difference between passive and active grief? It’s exactly how it sounds. Passive is inactivity. He is sitting still, waiting for the bad feelings to go away. The consequences of death and loss are so debilitating that not only is it a common response, but it is sometimes necessary: ​​to stand still to get your bearings. Energy levels drop and the bread is too big to handle. Total rest is good for the body, mind and soul, but recovery requires action, an initiative from the deepest that yearns and strives for wholeness and well-being. One can sit quietly in a darkened room and wait for the mist to dissipate, but that will not result in a complete cure. When pain goes unexpressed, it burrows deep and causes problems.

The love that exists between two people generates hope and a sense of self-worth in each. There’s an ongoing respect for each other, a “I wish you well” that says, “You’re great,” “You matter,” “I respect and honor you.” Within a good relationship, people want what is best for the relationship and for each other. And, perhaps, whether expressed or not, they want the survivor to heal and embrace new life when one of them dies.

When I lost my husband I still had children living at home. We were confused and shocked, but I quickly realized that he needed to bind up the wounds and stabilize the family. Other responsibilities I faced competed with the time and energy I needed to grieve and help my children work through the loss of their father. I was not only exhausted, I was angry.

The grieving process may be compromised as you deal with practical issues. Finances and legal issues take a huge toll on survivors’ time and energy. I was surprised by their demands. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this before? Why didn’t you know the details of our money matters, the legal procedures required, the back-breaking work that goes into establishing an estate? Also, I had to go to probate court because my husband had no will and we had minor children living at home. Full and active grief takes time, energy, and persistence. A simple plan may look like this:

Time – A significant period of time should be set aside each day to comfort yourself, reflect on your loved one, your loss, and the deep pain and anguish you feel. Validating the tragedy of your loss allows you to express your feelings, rather than repress them, and gives you significant space to explore exactly what happened, how it affects every aspect of your life, and how you will deal with it.

Prioritize this period every day. This is the key. You can break it into two or more periods, but allow enough time in the segment to do valuable grievance work. Remember, it’s work – something active. A general routine that is flexible is a good option. Remember, cognitive skills are compromised during the grievance and it can be difficult to focus and concentrate. Choose a space that is warm and inviting, surround yourself with comforting things like music, reading material, tea, a small blanket, and don’t allow interruptions. Cry, write, read and think, letting your mind take you wherever it wants. Or just stay. Journaling is a positive and beneficial way to grieve. You can write in paragraphs, incomplete sentences, poetry, draw pictures, do whatever is comfortable for you. There is a study that says that healing takes place faster and more thoroughly when someone writes in a journal. It engages the brain and also gives you a journal to keep track of your progress.

Energy: Even when you’re not consciously thinking about your loss, your subconscious mind and body are dealing with the blow you’ve taken. Energy levels will be low for some time, and it is essential to conserve them for the really important things. Decide for yourself what is essential, write it down, and review your list frequently. Rule out problems that cannot be changed. Consider what you can’t handle on your own. Your own needs should be at the top of the list. Try to get help to care for younger children, even for an hour. If managing finances is difficult, seek advice from your bank or financial advisor. A short talk can lead to surprising shortcuts or methods to better and easier money management. Daily responsibilities can drain all your energy and motivation. Even if money is tight, remember to have fun. Don’t miss the opportunity to laugh and relax with friends.

Persistence: This is the quality that keeps us going despite adversity, setbacks, and difficulties. Despite the loss, persistence motivates us to push ourselves, to start over, and to resist. For persistence to take effect, a deliberate choice is needed. It requires putting yourself on the path to wholeness and balance in life and working through your grievance. Put inspirational and motivational messages for yourself on cards and place them around the house. Buy a good book on overcoming adversity and read a chapter every day. Rebuilding your life, by accident or by design, is the revelation I had when faced with this daunting task. I knew I had to move on. I had a family to raise, I needed to make a living, and I wanted to be an example to my children. I realized that a magical plan was not going to fall into my lap. I had to figure out what I needed and wanted and how to make it happen. And I knew it started inside.

A wonderful and positive gift that you can give yourself is to start setting aside time now, today. Those things we talked about earlier, taking time for yourself, is essential for balance and well-being in life. If you have a complaint now, this is essential. If not, get ready now. Procrastination prevents us from being prepared for any calamity that befalls us. Design your life construction plan and prioritize its practice. Make it simple enough to manage on your schedule and comprehensive enough to reap a hefty profit. You will start to feel better about life and about yourself. Confidence, growth and knowledge increase with practice. You will begin to see adversity as an opportunity for change, not just a problem to be solved.

By Judy Strong