One of the best skills for connecting and reconnecting with people is empathy, especially if you’re trying to win an ex back. And while this may not seem like an important skill, don’t underestimate it! Using empathy is one of the fastest ways to build (or rebuild) trust. It is also a way of pleasing people. However, if you’re using empathy for the sole purpose of manipulating someone, it probably won’t work the way you want it to. For example, imagine a used car salesman trying to “learn about you and connect with you” while you’re out on the lot looking at used cars. It’s pretty obvious that the used car salesman has an ulterior motive in trying to build a relationship with him and get you to trust him.

So how can you begin to master the art of empathy? The first step is that you need to care about the person you are talking to. That person’s concerns have to be your concerns as well. And not only do you have to know what these concerns are, but you have to be able to express them in a way that shows his concern, without sounding like a ‘know-it-all’.

When you can describe someone’s concerns or what’s bothering them as well as they do, then you’re on your way to building trust and rapport. Part of this includes identifying the feelings that accompany the worries; this is the part that people connect with.

So let’s take your ex, for example. Have you really identified your ex’s concerns and are you able to express them as well as he or she?

Perhaps the breakup happened because one partner thought the other was moving too fast. Let’s say John broke up with Sally because he thought she was moving too fast in the relationship. What can Sally say to John to get him back on track and even start seeing him again?

If Sally knows that the reason John broke up with her was because he thought she was moving too fast, then she has to express this information to John in a way that encapsulates John’s feelings and fears: she has to see things from your point of view. Point of view. How could a conversation like this sound?

How about this:

Sally: “Hi John, thanks for meeting me.”
John: “No problem, Sally. What’s up?”
Sally: “Well, I’ve thought a lot about what you said to me, you know, about rushing things, and I think you were right. Looking back, I think I was trying to rush things in the relationship that maybe weren’t there yet.” , and in the process, I must have made you feel very uncomfortable. And I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
John: “Well, it seemed like you were taking things a little too fast.
Sally: “You’re right. And now that I think about it, I may have made you feel a little overwhelmed, especially when I was talking about moving or getting a place of our own. After thinking about it, I don’t think we’re close to that yet.”
John: “I agree with you, I don’t think we were ready to get our own place or anything.

Because Sally can summarize not only the content of why she thinks John broke up with her, but also the feelings that went with the content, she can begin to build the relationship again. The fact that John agrees with her is confirmation that she was on the right track with her comments to John.

Now, obviously this won’t be enough to send John running into her arms, but it’s the first step in rebuilding the relationship if that’s what Sally decides to do. And by continuing to use empathy and see things from John’s point of view, she will continue to build the relationship with John.