OK to Bail on Friends

Even those who love their solitude and thrive on a hectic schedule need authentic social connection at times. But if you find yourself cancelling plans for fun with friends, it might be time to reconsider whether this friendship is worth your time. “Bailing occasionally isn’t a big deal, but if it becomes a pattern, it’s not great for the friendship,” Jarcho says.

The reasons for bailing are varied and can include work, family, or simply feeling tired of putting on an outfit, getting ready, navigating transportation, making small talk with an annoying coworker, or splitting the bill at dinner. Rather than going through the energy of showing up, it’s much easier to text a friend that you won’t be able to make it and just call it a day. But the guilt that comes with ditching your pals can feel pretty heavy, especially if you’re someone who frequently bail on them.

If you want to keep your pals happy and healthy, you should be honest about why you’re pulling out of the hangout (but don’t tell a white lie). In fact, studies show that people are less upset when they’re bailed on by their close friends than they are when they’re bailed on by acquaintances or strangers.

But be sure to give your friend a reasonable amount of notice—most people like to have an afternoon or morning to get their things together before meeting up. And don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t think I’m up for this,” if that’s truly the case. If you’re genuinely exhausted, a day in on the couch watching Netflix might be exactly what you need.

Is it OK to Bail on Friends?

If a friend’s frequent flaking is hurting your relationship, it’s important to have a conversation with them about it. The longer you avoid addressing the issue, the more your friend will believe they can just cancel plans whenever they want without consequence. Having a direct talk with your buddy is the only way to change this behavior.

Having this conversation can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary step in the long run. While it might be tempting to just go off on a tirade about how shitty this person is, this can only hurt your friendship in the long run. Instead, if you approach the conversation with curiosity and not judgment, your buddy will have a chance to see that their actions are hurting you, and they may decide to stop being a total flake.

Then, hopefully, you can resume being a joyful and connected friend. (And maybe even hang out a bit more often.) Then, your dread of seeing this person will probably disappear. (Or at least be much lower.) After all, “treat yo’self” takes on a whole new meaning when you’re hanging out with your pals. (Image credit: iStock/Getty Images)