It is an interesting time for me, a Christian lesbian and married New Yorker, to prepare for my ordination. I have been serving in ministry at The Potter’s House Church of the Living God in Brooklyn for many years: I sing, lead praise and worship, play the organ, direct the choir, maintain the website, and most recently teach the studio. of the Bible and preaching. It may seem like a lot, but it doesn’t feel like it when you’re doing what you love. What I still have to do is perform a wedding ceremony. But it sounds like that may be an important part of my job description, since gay marriage became legal in New York around the time my ordination is about to become official.

I grew up in a church where women were rarely allowed in the pulpit, let alone preach. We wore long skirts, long hair, no makeup, no pants, and no open shoes. I had no idea then that she was a lesbian. I had no idea then that she had any kind of sexual identity because premarital sex was a one way ticket to hell. So, when I was a child and a virgin, sex was an evil monster always on the prowl, wielding a weapon of unbridled passion capable of corrupting and killing all hope of divine favor with a momentary thrill. So I avoided it like the plague. And it was quite easy for me to do so as my latent lesbianism made it quite easy for me to find advances from men off-putting. Older men wanted to marry me (they thought I was 30 when I was 15; that’s what long skirts and no makeup will do for you). But he was determined to follow the rules. So I waited for that “special man” to arrive for whom I would cook, clean and give birth to a basketball team worthy of children.

Well, I finally got married. to a woman she was 18 years old when I met her sixteen years ago. We were the last two women in a lesbian club I had snuck into to explore my potential for “unnatural affections.” I had already left the church at that time but I had not left my God. For some reason, despite all my so-called “ungodly efforts,” the same God who spoke through me in the tongues of angels, eased all my teenage angst, and held me “before I came out,” continued to do all of those things. “after coming out of the closet”. .” So I followed my God and my heart and married the woman who is now my partner in ministry and in life. We first got married in my church, then again in 2010 in DC so we could take pictures outside of the White House showing our certificate and making the case for federally legalized same-sex marriage. Will we get married a third time in New York now that it’s legal in our home state? I don’t know yet. But if I can get another ring of the deal, I’ll most likely make sure it happens.

Meanwhile, there are other marriages to perform; other functions to perform. In a culture that is alternately fed up with the concept of God, frustrated with the inability of the Christian faith to live up to its own ideals, or disgusted with the critical attitudes of followers of the faith, I step I to do the work of a servant . Claiming to be called by God and possess gifts that will undoubtedly help to give meaning to one’s life and to God’s role in it, I assume a mantle handed down for more than 2000 years. As a “coming of age” minister at the time of state legalized gay marriage, I am grateful for the work of the outspoken and affirming clergy who came before me and made this victory possible. Still, I hope one day I won’t be seen as a “lesbian minister” who can perform “gay marriages.” I pray to be a qualified child of God to help celebrate that special moment when two become one and life becomes even richer as a result.

But until then, one of the most important things I can do to help make our marriages more valid is to help make sure our marriages last. My biggest fear is that the rush to church and town hall will be followed too quickly by the rush to get to divorce court. Many conservatives expressed fear that our marriages would somehow destroy the sanctity of the ceremony. My hope is that every vote made by LGBT couples in New York puts another nail in the coffin of that myth. I want our marriages to be examples of love and commitment, thoughtful pacts between mortals and the divine. Because God knows that “it is not good for man to be alone.”

So let this newly appointed minister who has married the same person twice and has been married to her for nearly a decade to offer some quick advice to those about to take the step of marriage:

You should not marry until you are sure you can live with all the characteristics of your partner that you know you cannot change. If you can’t learn to love those things, you’re not loving the whole person.

Make sure you and your partner don’t trip over baggage from your past. Consult your religious leaders and get advice.

Do not look for someone who loves you if you have not yet learned to love yourself; you may attract an abuser.

Make sure you both understand what you want from the relationship and where you want it to go. If you want five children and your partner doesn’t want any, that’s a big deal!

Finally, you deserve the best, and the best is out there. Don’t settle for less.

Commitment is something our God takes very seriously. He never left me, even when I changed from long skirts to pants and from pews to pulpit ministry. When you give your life to Christ, you commit yourself to Him in a relationship that lasts for eternity. God does not expect his children to marry someone on a whim and then leave them. The two become “one flesh.” “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” The world is watching, so let’s get it right!