When a narcissist chooses a marital partner, they ensure that this person adoringly follows their lead in all aspects of their lives. The narcissist expects to be perfectly reflected, to receive from his partner: absolute loyalty, flattery, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit to mistakes, nor should his faults and failings be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marriage partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder. These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The narcissist is the master; the border, the server. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly tied up and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over his or her borderline spouse’s head that he or she may dump him or her rashly.

The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines psychologically merge with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. This severe psychological handicap is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who they are and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The cap has not reached this stage of development, often due to childhood trauma. Its growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very small child, clinging desperately, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. Borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have little impulse control. Some of these people go through periods of delusional thinking and paranoia, have psychotic breaks, and end up in mental hospitals. Higher level limits work quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathetic.

This is a marriage made in Hades. Borderline accepts the demanding, perfectionist and self-proclaimed narcissist. Under the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse as he unconsciously hated his parents as a child. He repeats this pattern into adulthood, hoping to earn the love and respect he so long deserved. The limit has reached the wrong place. He will not be accepted or loved by himself here. It will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic partners because they are in a lot of psychological pain, suffer from low self-esteem, and are accused of being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the painful psychological patterns familiar from childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard their current spouse for an updated, more attractive and obedient model. The exhausted spouse is kicked out to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next big emotion with no memories or regrets. For him, it is a relief – a blow from a fly’s hand to the face.