Okay, so the starting point for choosing your floor, or your partner, starts with traditional vs. exotic. This is the most important step in defining your space and who you are.

Traditional implies the elegant look that we have seen all around us. Traditional can be defined as timeless or modern. Jackie O and Marilyn will always embody America with our cultural icons of beauty. Today, the richness of maple and oak trees defines most homes in the Midwest and Northeast of our country. Like a Kennedy in office, Oak will always be a main stay in certain regions. For some, a traditional look is an enduring look. Traditional floors have changed over time to introduce a modern twist. Think Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johannsen. Traditional that exudes a unique sensuality. Oaks and Maples have taken on a wider range of colors and styles (okay, not as extreme as Amy Winehouse, lol) that bring out character. The traditional is no longer soccer mom, minivan and boring “just on your birthday”.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the return of exotics. Not only have I been attracted to some good looking French and Spanish women (and the wines, for that matter), but also to the floors. When I think of Sudamericana, Gabriella immediately comes to mind, this beautiful Argentinian girl that I dated several years ago. Never mind that it outlasted the Detroit Lions’ chance to win the Super Bowl, what’s significant is South America. Now I’m all for Brazil. Women, the Caipirinha-the drink made with Cachaca, if you haven’t tried it, put it on the list! Not forgetting the Brazilian wax, Rio and did I mention the women? South America also brings us some of the most attractive styles with Brazilian Cherry, Amendoim, Tigerwood and Santos Mahogany. For some, exotic items offer the allure of something that is different, sexy, eye-catching, and can make a statement. Exotics make us try harder. We spend more time decorating and furniture, and noticeably more effort planning Saturday night dates. The urge to really try with the trainer and hit the gym to lose that extra 20. Why stay at home when you have a Peruvian girl to play sports in the city? Or on the contrary, why go out when the party can come to me. After all, having the exotic girl or the flat is the envy of all your friends (and if you’re lucky, some of your girlfriends). A little warning: Exotics change slightly over the years. Photosensitivity to light brings out different colors in certain species. This is so true once the words “I do” are spoken. Check with the manufacturer or her parents to make sure she can live with this long term. I always look at the parents to get an idea, and looking at an older floor can convey the same information.

Price is the determining factor for many things in life, and nowhere is that more true than with women and flats. The traditional look is usually less expensive than the exotics, but the look will be different. Similar to dating a super model. Appearance never comes without a price, but unlike my genius Citibank purchase, long-term investments pay for the appearance of your home. An investment in a flat is something that will last, which cannot be said for investing in Budapest vacations, countless dinner parties, and the occasional “you have to buy this for me” cash outlay made in the past. Smart shopping is the key. When you mingle at the Ritz, prepare to pay. There are several places that have beauty without the excessive markup. When buying flats and women, the place determines the price. Showrooms like sommeliers are stylish, but add to the bottom line. I’m a big proponent of the internet for shopping; After all, can Dr. Phil be wrong? You can shop and compare locally, visit the Ritz, Morton’s and the overrated Capital Grille. See, savor and learn. But when it’s time to put down the cash, there are other avenues that keep the wallet full and the Benjamins left over for the Cubs season tickets.

The next point is open to much fervor and debate. Size. Size matters for both men and women. He ignores what Cosmo and Glamor have to say, and the same for the locker room guy at the gym who thinks he can switch places with Ron Jeremy. Styles change and adapt to the individual. Not only is the waif look gone, but so is the standard 2-1/4″ wide deck size. It’s been around forever, but just like the Macarena and neck splits, there are better things we owe observe. Personally, stick to the size 3-5 rule across the board. Visually it’s more pleasing than abandoned super skinny and embodies how flats and women should look. Plus sizes are now available, but it takes the room and the right person to achieve it. Bigger I don’t mean better, well actually let me take it back. In flats and women this applies but in certain aspects of life this sentence is tried and true. So yes to the power, square feet and bra sizes!

The long-term potential is really what the end game is. Soils and women on a whim incorporates one of my favorite phrases. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Mentioned many times when I woke up on the bathroom floor, calling my lawyer collect from jail, or after my trip to Budapest (okay, I’ll let it slide, I promise). When the time comes in your life to get serious and buy a condo, it’s usually a good indicator that a serious relationship should be underway or forthcoming. Do your research as you have to live with both for a long time. It’s not arguable which costs more: a divorce or ripping out 3,000 square feet and having to replace it all over again. Although the emotions are more or less the same when having to replace said floor. Anger, resentment, and a general feeling of being mad at yourself for making stupid decisions. Like having someone tell me about the Four Seasons Budapest when the Marriott was half price down the block. Okay, so I broke a promise, sue me or pour water on my floor.

And remember… you always get what you pay for. Focus on brand manufacturers. The cheap ones can be found at any shot and beer bar, or check out what the suits look like at an Amway convention. They might look good from a distance and look great in the store, but once you get home with it… reality sets in fast. Mail order brides seem to be the way to go. It takes no effort, the women seem fantastic and eager to please. In fact, you’ve told him everything you want to hear. This works exactly like those exotic 50 year old hand scraped, super coated, scratch resistant, double width flooring that compares for $9.00 per square foot. square feet for the low price of $1.99 per square foot. Oh, we sell now until the end of this month. $10,000 dollars later you have a girl who doesn’t speak English, she doesn’t know you but she promises to love you forever. Curiosity to see which will last longer, love or the floor. That is unless she has to stay married for a minimum of 2 years to get her US citizenship. Every manufacturer should have a professional website, with a list of dealers in their area, ISO certification, and the like. Every girl should have parents, friends and relatives that she can meet before she commits everything she has. Same concept. I have met some very beautiful girls, and for some reason I couldn’t figure out why they are single. They seemed to have the complete package. As it turns out, it’s a roller coaster of emotions, drama, and just generally screwed up situations that constantly follow certain people around. And if there is no chaos and trouble around them, they will find it. And the funniest line to hear when you’re not on the receiving end is “I wish someone had said something to me.” Remember guys… there are no shortcuts to suits, flats and women. You will always get what you pay for!