1. Change settings

Change the setting, the activity, or the people involved, so your child feels safe. For example, if your son becomes overstimulated when he plays with her friends, he may recommend that she avoid various distractions, such as turning off the television, or try a different activity, such as coloring or playing outside.

2. Respond calmly

Respond to the situation calmly and without your own anger or emotion. This is by far the most important skill you need to learn. If your child’s behavior has made you angry, take a few minutes to calm down before deciding how to respond. Example: Your son is angry and hits you. Don’t react emotionally. That would play right into the behavior that gets her the attention she wants. Address the behavior but be careful not to show surprise, fear, or anger.

3. Teach alternative behaviors

Teach your child alternative and more socially appropriate ways to express what he wants or needs. For example, if your child fights over sharing toys with friends or siblings, teach him about borrowing (“Can I play with your puzzle for a while?”) and bartering (“I’ll lend you my book if I can play with your puzzle”). Model this behavior for him by showing him respect for her possessions.

4. Offer Options

Offer options and opportunities for your child to have more control over their environment. For example, if your child is a picky eater, ask her what she’d like to eat, give her choices (“Would you like a peanut butter or tuna sandwich?”), or make her part of the process (“Why don’t you Can you help me prepare dinner or do the shopping?”).

Remember that children with problem behaviors often also have processing problems; be sure to limit those options to two or three. Kids with processing and impulsive issues often have trouble making decisions. Abstract options like “go play with your toys” are too overwhelming for them. Try saying, “Do you want to play with Spiderman or Lego?” Show both toys and then say “pick one.” Doing this without emotion on your part gives the child a chance to choose without being overwhelmed.

5. Look for the positive

Observe positive behavior when it occurs and give genuine praise. For example, “It was very nice of you to let your brother play with your toy.” I even say after a nervous breakdown “good job calming you down.” Praised be all!

6. Be consistent

Make sure there are consistent and predictable routines. “We wash our faces, brush our teeth and put on our pajamas every night before we go to bed.” I’ve found that meal and snack times work best if they’re also consistent. Example: breakfast at 8 am, snack at 10 am, lunch at 12 pm, snack at 3 pm, dinner at 5 pm, bedtime snack at 7 pm. It doesn’t matter if it’s weekdays, weekends, vacations or summer. It is very important to keep the same schedule. Yes, you should do this even if your child can’t tell time. They may not be able to look at the clock, but I bet their bodies tell them “around” what time it is.

7. Avoid surprises

When there is a change in routine or schedule, prepare your child ahead of time so they know what to expect. For example, “Mom and Dad are going out tonight, so we won’t be able to read you your bedtime story. But why don’t we pick out a book together to read tomorrow night?” Some kids need to know things like “let’s go to the grocery store after school today” to defuse an after school “meltdown” because you’ve already prepared them for the change.

8. Have fun

Make sure there is joy and fun in your child’s life every day. Many parents find it helpful to play with their children before they have to do chores or wander around. Think about what brings a smile to your child’s face and make time every day to smile together.