Recent evidence from a 20-year study of families that have experienced divorce makes it abundantly clear that many efforts as part of a divorce settlement that seek to specify and establish in a legal code the contact between the children and their parents, as well as the extended family members can and will have disastrous impacts on children. Children’s life experiences are not always such that they fit nicely and neatly into a schedule that has room for modification and adjustment. The impact divorce decrees have on children is long lasting, not easy to deal with and can create negative growth situations even for the children of the children of the children involved.

A group of parents can make the decision that you no longer want to be married, and the courts will help them do so. BUT the judicial system and its officials MUST act in a truly professional manner and take into account the well-being and future of these children. Sometimes parents and even extended family members engage in a battle to settle their differences and use children as pawns in that battle. Parents and all parties involved should be encouraged to overcome their own petty ego and revenge needs and carefully consider the welfare of the children involved.

Lawyers must resist the temptation to view a complicated divorce situation as a way to spend more time and effort, and therefore make more money, by aiding and abetting a retaliatory battle. Encourage both parents to resolve their differences without a lengthy battle and without infringing on each parent’s access to the children.

The research is particularly specific about the need for an ongoing relationship between children and their biological father. The absence of this relationship will have a profound negative impact on the development of healthy self-esteem in the children involved. The court must work to avoid substituting legal language and easily written timetables that may appear unbiased and fair in a legal sense but do not take into account the specific and individualized growth and development needs of the children involved. In many cases, older children in particular may need to be given the option to determine for themselves what types of visitation and access work for them and what is best for them.

It seems clear from my own professional experience that many attorneys have done a great service by encouraging divorcing couples to resolve their differences in a way that does not harm children. Often this is done in such a way that the attorney may not even receive as high a fee as she would have received if she had fomented the conflict. On the other hand, I have seen couples and families who might have been able to restore their marriage or at least an amicable relationship so that the children would not have to be caught in the middle were it not for the sheer insistence of one or more of the attorneys involved. into “make sure you get everything you deserve” or “Don’t give in to your emotions now that you have it exactly where you’ve always wanted it.” Of what great value is it when at the end of a long drawn out court battle one or more of the parents are so deeply in debt that they cannot even afford reasonable food and shelter for their children? If there are serious deficiencies of the parents that may harm the children, this may be an issue more appropriate for Child Protective Services and not for the divorce court.

Everyone who is involved at any level with the issues and process of a divorce should become familiar with the research findings of Dr. Judith Wallerstein. The evidence seems to conclude that very few if any problems are resolved by divorce and many more are created by the legal battle involved in the divorce process. One set of problems is simply exchanged for a completely different set of problems. Those most directly involved need help understanding the implications of their decisions and how best to address those implications in their own lives and the lives of their children. Too often, divorce is expected to be a solution to existing problems, but it only serves to create more problems that were not expected. Parents and others involved in the divorce process need to understand all aspects of the situation and not jump in blindly, only to find out the real truth of the matter after it’s too late to do anything about it.

in his book Second Chances plus The unexpected legacy of divorce Dr. Wallterstein describes the results of her study on the impact of divorce on children and adults. Contrary to her expectations, she discovered that when she conducted the follow-up interviews, most of the families were still in crisis. Her wounds were open wide. The confusion and anguish had not noticeably diminished. Many adults still felt angry, humiliated, and rejected, and most had not put their lives back together. An unexpectedly large number of children were on a downward course. His symptoms were worse than before. His behavior at school was worse. His relationships with peers were worse. The illusion that she had had, that divorce can put an end to marital conflict, was shattered. she observes:

“Divorce has a ripple effect that affects not only the family involved, but our entire society. As writer Pat Conroy observed when his own marriage broke up, “Every divorce is the death of a little civilization.” When a family gets divorced, that divorce affects family, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and many strangers. them versus us problem: one way or another, he has been touched by it. Today, all relationships between men and women are deeply influenced by the high incidence of divorce. Children from intact families are nervous about divorce. Teachers across the country tell me their students come to school wide-eyed with fear, saying their parents had a fight the night before and asking in terror, “Does that mean they’re getting a divorce?” Radical changes in family life affect all families, households, parents, children, courts and marriages, quietly altering the social fabric of the entire society.”

Sometimes litigants in a divorce case should be asked two simple questions: “What do you really hope to get out of all this?” and “What is the long-term impact of what you are looking for on the well-being and development of the children involved?” The wishes and needs of children must be considered in all decisions and agreements. It may seem fair to grant visits to parents every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday night. But what impact might that have on the religious life of a child or even an entire family where a religious affiliation is important to their stability, growth and well-being? Attending one religious affiliation one week and another the next week is more likely to cause confusion, instability, and emotional and spiritual distress, all in the name of equitable distribution. Perhaps the wisdom of Solomon is needed. To remember? Two women claimed a child and to settle the conflict he offered to cut the child into two parts so that each of them would have his part. He knew immediately which mother had the child’s best interests in mind from her quick reaction to stop such an action. It may be perfectly acceptable for some children to have a “mandatory” visit on a school night, but for others it can destroy their ability to succeed in school. There must be room for negotiation and modification to allow for the increasingly complicated schedule that children find themselves on as they grow into their late teens. In some way, children’s right to make decisions and make their own choices should be a reasonable part of the process and subject to change rather than set in legal stone.

Dealing with divorce in a way that allows and fosters the positive growth and development of children is a difficult process and, indeed, may require Solomonic wisdom on the part of judges and court officials, but the effort must be made. He tried. do a better job than currently seems obvious.